I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
no, he came in my armpit
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
