seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Randomize
