grandma shit on top of the toilet
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
