who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
