my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
