Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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