I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
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