im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
