He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
