i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
