i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
