Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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