You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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