Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
We need to feng shui this bitch.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
