im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
