not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
