so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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