i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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