im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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