two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
