I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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