I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
