Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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