i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
