Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
