I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
