i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
