I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
