Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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