I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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