Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
