What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize