You don't have asthma, your pregnant
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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