and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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