Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
