my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
