I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
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