dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
This can only be settled by a dance off.
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