Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Randomize
