Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
