i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
