There is too much vodka and too much dick.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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