it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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