I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
