I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
how drunk are you?
Several
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
