Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
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