Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
