i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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