mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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