i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
3 2 1 whiskey
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
