I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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