I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
