it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
