Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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