i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
