i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
