I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
